Double Chins and Ear Hairs

Have you noticed, the last time you looked into your 10x magnifying mirror (don’t scoff, you know you need a magnifying mirror to see what you used to see naturally), that there are some very unwelcome changes.

We can start with the brows. When did they start to thin? Sure, we still need to pluck some ill-placed strays, but have you noticed the brows are a little shorter and a little thinner? And our tight little pores are widening - why, oh why is that? Lips too are not as full and luscious. Now, that’s real bummer. But, whatever you do don’t buy into those products that promise to grow hair-brows fuller and lips more voluptuous, because it’s just another one of those big Fifth Avenue lies.

But there is nothing, absolutely nothing more shocking, more deplorable then the notorious “double chin” - and one way or another we all seem to get some of it. It’s the diminishment of muscular structure. BTW, have you seen the new chin exerciser on TV? It reminds me of Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster of years back, only this one is for chins. Yes, you read it right: "s" as in plural.

It appears to be a silly little plastic thing with a rubber suction cup thingy that goes under the chin (or where the chin should be) and the base rests on the chest. The exercise is an up and down motion (I'm convinced a man invented this contraption just for the fun of watching) with a spring supposedly of increasing tension that combined with the motion guarantees a reduction in chins! I don’t know about you, but I’m running out right this minute to try this amazing invention.

Maybe we should just give in and decorate ‘em. You know, like it’s Christmastime all year long. Alright, I jest, but there has got to be something short of surgery we can do.

Well, one thing is for sure, you stronger, more virile gender, seem not to stress over the chinny chin chins, because most of you seem not to be conscious of your changing looks, but seriously guys, what’s this with ear hairs? ...And why don‘t you care? Because, believe me, we notice just like we notice wild, overgrown nasal hairs. Cut those damn things. Please!

Guys, don’t you remember how we used to laugh at grandpa’s hairy ears? Hey, maybe that’s why you don’t seem to hear us so well...it’s those hairs!